Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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