i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
