If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
