what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
