Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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