The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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