I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
