Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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