just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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