So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
