Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
