Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
