her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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