Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So many bounce houses so little time
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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