im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
