my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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