You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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