just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
we should paint friendship bongs
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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