If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
