dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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