I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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