highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
