I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
