Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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