I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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