She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
