and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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