New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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