hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
