I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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