Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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