He uses pillows to masturbate.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
