My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
