Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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