i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
