I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
