She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
high people should be assigned attendants
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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