the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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