My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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