The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
