i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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