Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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