Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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