He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
