Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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