you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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