I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
