Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
