I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
