I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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